The Lonesome Dove Awe-Inspiring, Down-Right Wonderful Limericks Page

There was a young man named Clay,
Who stroked his beard all day.
He oozed Southern charm,
But he meant no harm
That dazzling young man named Clay.

There was a young man named Newt,
Who always looked downright cute.
He made Hannah his bride,
But then she died.
That unfortunate young man named Newt.

The hotel was owned by Amanda.
All the men liked to take a gander.
She was so well endowed,
She stood out in a crowd.
That beautiful woman Amanda.

There was an old man named Josiah,
Whose daughter was killed in a fire.
He lost all his wits.
It was really the pits
For that wretched old man named Josiah.

There was a young sheriff named Austin,
Who came out west from Boston.
He lost his job
And became a slob.
That scum-sucking weasel named Austin.

There once was a person named Call,
Who was grimy and not very tall.
He liked to smirk
And choose his work,
And Mosby he liked to gall.

There once was a man named Shelby,
Who thought Mosby was Marcus Welby.
He trusted his friend
His wound to tend.
That courageous young man named Shelby.

There was a young woman named Hannah
Who lived in Curtis Wells, Montana.
She always nagged Newt
Even though he was cute,
And now she's in heaven eating manna.

There was a gunslinger named Call,
Whose horse was really quite tall.
Hellbitch was her name
Cuz she was hard to tame,
And no one could ride her but Call.

There once was a madam they say,
Who would make all the boys pay.
Twyla was her name,
And if you were game,
You went for a ride in the hay.

There once was a Madam called Twyla.
Many men she did defile-a.
She said, "Mosby, please stand
When there's ladies at hand."
That rotund little Madam called Twyla.

There once was Hell Bitch the mare.
Woodrow called her a terror.
She bit into his hide
When he tried to ride.
That Kiowa Hell Bitch the mare.

There was a man named Unbob,
And undertaking was his job.
He buried the stiffs
That came in in shifts,
And sometimes it made him sob.

In town was this poor undertaker,
Who was shorted by our holy maker.
Unbob was his name.
He was really quite tame,
And Mattie was his caretaker.

There was a young woman named Mattie.
The men in town drove her batty.
With her hands on her hips
And a frown on her lips,
She acted a little bratty.

There was Mattie with looks that could kill.
A woman of very strong will.
Don't force her, my son,
You could be the one.
Next planted on top of Boot Hill.

There once was a man named Root,
Who thought that life was a hoot.
He liked to play jokes
On all sorts of folks.
That trickster Luther Root.

Now Luther earned his wage,
Riding shotgun on the stage.
He'd leap from the top
And somersault to a stop
Scarcely acting his age.

There once was a doctor named Cleese,
Who cured every cough and wheeze.
When he told a story,
The details were gory,
But he always said "thank you" and "please".

Dr. Cleese is a nice guy they say.
He can make all your hurts go away.
This may be true,
But he hasn't a clue
How to get a girl and not pay.

Now Florie was a whore with style.
She had a sad and wistful smile.
She slept with Clay
In his bed all day.
He made it worth her while.

There once was a whore named Florie,
Who had one claim to fame and glory.
She took both Call and Clay
To her bed they say,
And that's the end of my story.

Now the Remington on Clay's hip
Was large and hard to grip.
But it got the job done
And was lots of fun
When Mosby let her rip!

Clay thought he was king of the hill.
He had a lot of money in his till.
The Remington was his gun,
But when all's said and done,
Call's was bigger still.

He may not be dressed in purty clothes.
He may not have frilly shirts, buttons and bows.
But he always leaves the ladies smiling.
Call has looks that are quite beguiling.
He has what it takes and it shows.

Tight leather chaps that make you drool.
Eyes the color of a deep blue pool.
Quick on the draw.
Likes to play in the straw.
Call's the definition of cool.

Our Call is quite a guy.
He has eyes like the sky.
Call is the one
With the great big gun.
For our man we would die.

Now Ike was a hotel clerk,
Who was something of a jerk.
He depended on luck
To make a fast buck
Cuz he never wanted to work.

There once was a man named Ike,
Who was sneaky and hard to like.
As Mosby's lackey,
He was really tacky.
That weasely Deputy Ike.

There once was a man named Harry,
Whose business was quite contrary.
His opium den
Made fools of men
And sent them to the mortuary.

There once was a Chinaman named Harry.
Setting charges made him wary.
He began selling drugs
To all sorts of thugs.
That ambitious Chinaman named Harry.

When Peters came to town one day,
He swore he would make Mosby pay.
He had a gold tooth
And was really uncouth,
And he snatched those two girls clean away.

There once was a grifter named Frank,
Who smoked cigars till he stank.
He sat on Clay's lap
But got shot, the poor sap.
That hapless grifter named Frank.

Now Amanda had a sordid past.
She thought she'd outrun Frank at last.
But she soon learned
That a lover spurned
Must be taken out with a blast.

There once was a hireling named Zeke.
His future looked sort of bleak.
He held Mosby's horse.
It's important, of course,
But he'd stand there all damn week.

There once was a kid named Hank,
Who rustled cows for a prank.
It all went awry
When they said, "Hang him high!"
That poor little kid named Hank.

There once was a boy called Newt,
Who was saved by an ornery old coot.
Curtis was his name.
Said he was to blame
For the name Curtis Wells, what a hoot!

There once was a whore named Sadie,
Who was very much a lady.
She paid Call to try
To find Hank's alibi.
Call said, "First time a whore ever paid me!"

Now Call was a cowboy with chaps.
He kept them on with straps.
He walked nice and slow
His big gun in tow,
And he never fell into traps.

Our Call had spurs they say.
When he walked, music would play.
They made such a sound,
That the girls all around
Could listen to him all day!

There was a bounty hunter named Enona,
Who looked nothing like Fiona.
She had dirt in her hair,
But she didn't care.
That wild bounty hunter Enona.

There once was a woman like Call.
On wanted men she made a haul.
Enona was her name.
Bounties were her game,
And she had a good time in a stall.

There once was a man named Clay,
Who spoke in the Southern way.
Though he had a drawl,
He never said, "ya'll".
That Southern gentleman, Clay.

There once was a young man named Call,
Who spoke with a Texas drawl.
He was quite terse
When he did converse.
That vocal young man named Call.

Now Mama and Daddy were crude.
They treated everyone rude.
They brought their big gun
Into town for fun,
And that ruined everyone's mood.

There once was a girl named Holly,
Who thought getting married would be jolly.
But it turned out all bad
When she married a cad.
Cuz to marry without love is folly.

There once came to town a minister.
To the sins of the town he'd administer.
But as it turned out,
He was a bit of a lout
With a past that was slightly sinister.

Now Ruby and Eula Mae,
Sat and gossiped all day.
Those old biddy twins
Pointed out the sins
Of everyone passing their way.

Fiona was a lady of the night,
Who tried with all her might
To get Call in bed.
But when she ended up dead,
It left the other whores in a fright.

There was a gunslinger of some renown,
Who liked to sit and watch the town.
Some said Call was lazy
Or even plum crazy,
But he never let his guard down.

There once was a man, I am told,
Who defended the young and the old.
If he thought you were right,
For you he would fight,
Cuz Call had a heart made of gold.

There once was a cowboy named Deke,
Who at Mattie's bosom did peek.
She took deadly aim
And ended his game,
And his blood on the ground soon did leak.

There once was a young man named Mosby,
Who wondered, "Now, who can my foes be?
I wear the crown
In this backwater town.
Just ask anyone who knows me."

There once was a boy, Toby Finch,
Who thought gun fighting would be a cinch.
He soon found out
What it was all about
When Call missed his head by an inch.

He was tired and weary to the bone,
As he sat in the church alone.
A man had lied,
And people had died,
And he felt the need to atone.

Now Call is lonely and sad.
His temperament is quite bad.
He does not like his life,
It is so filled with strife,
And sometimes he acts quite mad.

There once was an outlaw named Ned,
Who wanted our boy, Call dead.
A trap was laid,
And Austin was paid.
But Austin helped Call instead.

There once was a trader named Ned,
Who paid Austin to shoot Call dead.
Austin took the loot,
But Call he couldn't shoot.
"I'm bound to you," he said.

I used to love Mosby, that is true,
But something about Call and his eyes of blue,
Captured my heart,
And I realized with a start,
That Mosby would never do.

There once was a man named Clay,
Who rode into town one day.
He saw Hannah Call,
And for her he did fall,
And decided in Curtis Wells he would stay.

There once was a boy named Newt,
Who could ride a horse and shoot.
His sense of right and wrong
Was exceedingly strong,
And he was a lawman to boot.

There once was a cowboy who sang,
And chased the O'Malley gang.
Masquerading as a friend,
Murph brought about their end.
You could say it all ended with a bang.

There once was a girl with an axe,
Who gave both her parents some whacks.
With Call she did plead,
And she would have been freed,
But Mattie found out all the facts.

There once was a bench of renown,
Where the Callster liked to sit down.
Sometimes he would choose
To sit there and snooze,
For it was the best seat in town.

There once was a man named "The Mose"
Who wore really fancy clothes.
He looked his best
In a brocade vest,
So he had a bunch of those.

Now Call has the bluest eyes,
Reflecting Montana's skies.
When he looks at you,
He sees clear through,
And something in you sighs.

About our Call we love to gush.
How he turns our heart to mush.
Although he is dirty,
He's downright purty.
And about him we won't shush!

Now Curtis Wells seems too small,
For two men like Mosby and Call.
There was no love lost,
But at what cost?
Pride put between them a wall.

The yin and the yang of it all,
Are Mosby and a cowboy named Call.
Though always at odds,
These two manly bods
Somehow kept balance for all.