DISCLAIMER: The characters and situations of the television program "Lonesome Dove: The Outlaw Years" are the creations of Rysher Television, and have been used without permission. No copyright infringement is intended. This story is not to be published on any ftp site, newsgroup, mailing list, fanzine or elsewhere without the express permission of the author.
READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. Deemed offensive by Mosby lovers, but not as offensive as that one time we all ganged up on him and shaved off all his hair, but that's a different story. ;) PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK!
Laurie Hutchinson and I came up with a bit of brilliance while we were on ICQ the other night.
This is in honor of SHARON SIKES, who loves the character of Frank so much that we thought we'd resurrect him for her.
Sort of.
Meet UN-FRANK. He's Frank's twin brother, who just happens to be a little on the myopic side. Yes, he can't see the broad side of a barn, so it gets UnFrank in a heap of trouble. Especially when he travels to the town of Curtis Wells, Montana.
UnFrank comes to Curtis Wells in search of wife #4, Amanda Carpenter, who left him in the middle of their Mormon wedding. Amanda apparently thought it was unfitting to wed a pig farmer, so she skipped out of the little town in Utah with UnFrank's hard earned pig farming money and his twin brother Frank, to boot. UnFrank learns of Amanda's whereabouts and his brother's death, so he heads to Curtis Wells. By Brigham Young! There will be hell to pay!!!
OH, but the vision that he sees in Curtis Wells when he gets there!!! Amanda is as lovely as ever, and she is seated in the Lonesome Dove Hotel. Her beauty inspires his automatic forgiveness. UnFrank immediately sits on her lap.
"What the HELL are you doing?" a man's voice demands as suddenly UnFrank is thrown on the floor. Somehow Amanda's voice has deepened and become all Southern-y, UnFrank thought. But still she stands there in absolutely loveliness.
Mosby thinks that this man was insane. First of all he looks like that damnable Frank "Carpenter," and second, he has the gall to come in the hotel and sit on his lap. Mosby immediately reaches for his gun as the stranger looks up at him in adoration.
"Amanda, you are as lovely as a silkworm, you honey pot," UnFrank tells the vision. "Remember the name is used to call you, honey? It's our own private name. You remember, don't you? You remember?"
Mosby knows that this man was insane. The stranger thinks that HE is Amanda.
"Zeke," he orders. "Throw this guy out of here. Now!"
The stranger ignores his honey pot's protests. "SUEY! SUEY!! You're such a cute litte suey!"
Mosby groans. Not again. Not another pig reference.
As if on cue, Mosby immediately goes into a state of shock. He hears screaming in his head. Beads of sweat form on his brow. Anyone who happens to look upon Mosby at this moment feels their heart tighten in pity.
Eventually, poor Mosby snaps out of it. Mosby thinks that perhaps one day he ought to talk to somebody about these destructive pig issues that he has, but as for now, his Remington will take care of this business.
His gun cocks into readiness. "Shut up, you son of a bitch!" Mosby orders.
UnFrank doesn't know what to make of all this. His Amanda seems to be angry at him. She is pointing a gun in his face.
"What did I do, sugar?" UnFrank pleads like a little girl. "Oh, please don't kill me! I didn't mean to do whatever it was. Honest! Oh, for the love of God, DON'T KILL ME!!"
This unmanly begging disgusts Mosby. "Oh, for heaven's sake, Mr. 'Carpenter!' Act like a man! You're only going to get one chance!"
At that moment, Amanda walks in the hotel and sees all. She recognizes poor UnFrank. Amanda still doesn't want to marry him, so she pretends like she doesn't even know the pig farmer.
Mosby notices her as he still points his gun at UnFrank. "Amanda, who in the hell is this? He claims he knows you."
"Why, Clay, I don't know the man," Amanda lies, gritting her teeth.
UnFrank squints at the new voice. Why, it's his honey pot!!! It's HIS Amanda!!
"Amanda, darling!" he shouts in glee, getting up from off the floor and pushing Mosby aside. "It's me! It's UnFrank! Don't you recognize me, honey? Remember all the good times we had at the pig farm? Oh my little suey! I love you so much!"
Amanda tries to push him aside as he grabs her and holds her.
Mosby gallantly rescues Amanda from the evil clutches of UnFrank. After all, Mosby IS a Southern gentleman. UnFrank is pushed aside.
UnFrank squints and notices for the first time that Mosby as a very handsome man. Hmmm. Mosby is a very handsome man, indeed. He's a handsome man trying to get his Amanda!
"Why you no good grasshopper!" UnFrank cusses at Mosby. "You have no claim on my wife!"
Mosby is shocked by the turn of events -- Amanda is this man's wife! Mosby looks at Amanda. Amanda looks down on the ground rather sheepishly. She cannot deny who she is.
UnFrank continues, ignoring the exchanged looks of Mosby and Amanda. "I'll be hog-tied before I'll ever let you touch my wife!"
"If that is what you wish," Mosby drawls, ordering his men to lock him up in the town jail. He has had enough pig references for one day.
"You can't do this to me!" UnFrank shouts, struggling with Mosby's men on the way out the door.
Mosby's handsome brow lifts in mockery. "Oh, but I can, Mr. Carpenter. Oh, but I can!"
After things seem to calm down, Mosby shows up at the jail. He is wearing his leather duster. It is the duster that looks so very good on him. All that see him know that his wearing that duster is not a good sign.
"Well, well, Mr. Carpenter," Mosby snickers as he looks at UnFrank in jail. "Welcome to Curtis Wells."
UnFrank bristles at the very handsome man. OH, what a handsome man he is! He's a handsome man holding him in jail!
"You have no right to hold me!" UnFrank complains. "I didn't do anything wrong! This blasted government is always holding free Montanans against their will! I want to talk to the governor!"
Mosby walks up to him like a tiger stalking its prey. "You stupid man. Montana isn't a state yet. Montana doesn't even have a governor. Besides, there is only one law here. I AM the government. You'll have to deal with me."
Oh, that Mosby is a handsome man, UnFrank thinks. "I'll deal with you, all right," UnFrank mutters.
Mosby decides that he has wasted enough time with UnFrank. On the way out the door, he orders to Ike, "Oh, and make sure you collect this man's taxes for the night."
UnFrank hears the comment. "Taxes!!??" UnFrank screams in agony. "This government has gone too far!!"
UnFrank is already on the postal side, and he goes mega-postal. No damn government of his is going to get his taxes AND his fourth wife. He'll treat that handsome government man real good. REAL GOOD. UnFrank smiles like a mad man.
Call is sitting at his bench, bored to tears. He knows that at this time most of the Mosby lovers are fast-forwarding through this part. It's always Mosby, Mosby, Mosby. But still, Call is grateful for those loyal viewers that will watch him despite his lack of story-line.
Call still sits at his bench and ponders about what is going to happen. Then suddenly -- WHACK! He is hit on the head!
Call passes out, pondering why he was hit on the head. He wasn't even supposed to be in this episode!!
"What do you mean, UnFrank has escaped from jail?!" Mosby demands to Ike as Ike backs away.
"That's just it, Mr. Mosby," Ike says. "He, uh, well, he escaped," Ike stammers as he fingers the money in his pocket. It's better that Mosby never finds out the real reason behind UnFrank's supposed escape - bribery!
Mosby stalks out the Ambrosia Club. (He looks damn good in his leather duster. ) He'd better find UnFrank, and he'd better find him fast. He doesn't want another Frank Carpenter episode.
Mosby walks into the Lonesome Dove Hotel, thinking that Amanda might know UnFrank's whereabouts. Unusually, the hotel is deserted. He sees a man lying on the floor. Mosby instinctively turns around, thinking there is someone behind him.
Then suddenly - WHACK! Mosby is hit on the head!!! He is unconscious!
Mosby wakes to find himself tied up in a chair. He sees that Call is tied up like he is but is still unconscious. Mosby laughs. Someone has dressed up Call as a woman!
Call moans and begins to wake. Call is aware that he is tied up in a chair, and he sees that Mosby is tied like he is. He laughs. Someone has dressed up Mosby like a woman!
"You're pretty cute for a woman, Mosby," Call utters dryly.
Mosby is mortified about his apparent condition, but he covers nicely. "Funny, one can't say the same about you, Call," Mosby returns.
Call, as usual, takes it all in stride. He shrugs his shoulders. "I'm a better looking woman than you, I bet."
"No, no. We both know I'm the handsomest man in town!"
The bantering would have continued if UnFrank had not intervened at that point.
"Why, if it isn't my future wives-to-be!" he says to them.
Both Mosby and Call look at him as if he were looney.
"Oh, you'll both love working at the pig farm, I'm sure," UnFrank continues.
Both Mosby and Call struggle furiously with their bonds.
Amanda miraculously walks in and sees the predicament. She moans. Not again.
UnFrank grabs her.
"UnFrank, sweetie," Amanda pleads seductively. "Surely we can settle this all proper like."
"Not now, honey," UnFrank dismisses her. "I want you to meet my future brides. I want to make sure you show them the ropes, seeing that you've been around the block and all."
Amanda, furious at the comments, cusses at him and swings her fists at him, despite how tightly he stills hold her.
"Amanda, dear," he ignores her, continuing to introduce his wives-to-be, "this is Josephine." He points at Mosby.
Mosby rolls his eyes.
Then he points at Call, "This is - "
Mosby interrupts, guessing at what UnFrank plans to call Call. "Geraldine, I suppose. Josephine and Geraldine. Yes, yes. I see the point. Can we hurry this up? I've got a town to run."
"No!" UnFrank denies him. "No, her name is NOT Geraldine. It's ... it's..." he tries to think up a name.
Call makes up one for him. "Daphne," he says matter of factly.
"YES!! That's it! It's Daphne!"
Call smirks at Mosby. He really showed up Mosby that time.
Mosby gives him a look that says, "Sit on your bench, Call."
Suddenly they hear a voice outside. "Mr. Mosby, you in there?" They hear UnBob shout.
"Tell him 'no,'" UnFrank whispers pointing a gun at Mosby's head.
"He'll never fall for that," Mosby whispers in reply.
"Just do it," UnFrank urges, cocking the gun.
Mosby decides not to argue. "No," Mosby calls back to UnBob.
They wait for a minute.
"Okay!" UnBob shouts back, leaving them all alone.
Mosby shakes his head, wondering why they had to have a town idiot like UnBob.
"Hooray!" UnFrank exclaims, jumping up and down. "Now it's time to wed my wives!"
Mosby and Call look at each other. They don't know how they are going to get out of this one.
"Wait," Call interrupts. "Don't you need a preacher or bishop or something? You can't marry us without a proper ceremony."
UnFrank thinks about that one for a minute. "Say, you are right."
Call and Mosby sigh in relief.
"I guess I'm just going to have to kill you. If I can't have you, no one will!"
"Good going, Call," Mosby mutters.
Call gives him a look that tells him, "I'm the only one who can kill you in town, so shut up, you arrogant bastard!"
UnFrank decides to sit on Mosby's lap. My my, UnFrank thinks. He is a handsome man, that Mosby.
He takes his Colt and caresses the side of Mosby's face with it. Oh what great fun, UnFrank thinks. Oh, how I do enjoy sitting on his lap.
Meanwhile he lets Amanda go. Amanda takes charge of the situation.
"No, piggy, let me kill them!" Amanda says. "I don't think I can share you with two more woman!"
"Say, that's a good plan," UnFrank comments. "But let's play a game, shall we? Brother Frank was always good on games. Whoever loses gets shot! Here, Amanda, you hold the gun. I want to play, too!" He sits down and prepares to play the game with Mosby and Call.
Amanda looks at him incredulously. UnFrank really is a nut case.
UnFrank claps excitedly. "Let's begin. Okay, Daphne. You get the first question."
Call wonders what the hell is up.
"How would Douglas Adams answer this question, 'Why did the pig cross the road?'"
Call looks at UnFrank like he was nuts. Who was Douglas Adams?
Call then suddenly remembers that some old Indian guy prophesied that there would be a web-site that would contain such vital information about pig road crossings. It could be found at:
"Forty-two!" Call shouts.
UnFrank claps. "Oh, very good, Daphne! Now, Josephine, it's your turn."
"For God's sake, I don't even know who Douglas Adams is!" Mosby exclaims.
"Oh, that's all right, honey," UnFrank soothes him. "We'll ask you something different. Now, what would Emily Dickinson say about why a pig crosses a road?"
Mosby starts to sweat. He doesn't read a lot of Emily Dickinson.
"Well?" UnFrank demands impatiently.
Mosby tries to think about Emily Dickinson's poetry. It was very dark.
Mosby was about to say something, when UnFrank interrupts, "Time's over! Amanda, honey, what is the answer?"
Amanda cocks the gun and aims it at Mosby. "Because it could not stop for death!" Then she swerves and ends up shooting poor UnFrank in the head.
All three of the remaining living people look at each other in befuddlement. That was a close one.
Amanda and Mosby, who thankfully is in his regular outfit, look at UnFrank's grave, which is placed next to his brother Frank.
Amanda dries a solitary tear. "Oh, Clay! Why did he have to do it? Why couldn't he have just run his pig farm in peace? Why did he have to cross that road?"
Mosby leans insolently against a very convenient tree. "To get to the other side, my dear. To get to the other side."
FINALE -- or is it???