DISCLAIMER: The characters and situations of the television program "Lonesome Dove: The Outlaw Years" are the creations of Rysher Television, and have been used without permission. Steve and Terry Irwin are owners and creations of themselves. "Crocodile Hunter" airs on ANIMAL PLANET. No copyright infringement is intended. This story is not to be published on any ftp site, newsgroup, mailing list, fanzine or elsewhere without the express permission of the author.
A couple of years ago in a fit of insanity, I wrote a little crossover piece called A TALE OF TWO HUNTERS. It was the epic story regarding two consumate hunters that were pitted against each other in a battle of skill and intelligence. Here is the return of one of those hunters. This is dedicated to birthday girl Sara.
Francis Clay Mosby struck a match, lit his cigar, and calmly puffed as he surveyed his town from his balcony. He knew everyone and everything in his town. He wanted Curtis Wells to be the new Atlanta, but so far, things were not progressing how he would like them to. It was the little things that got in the way. Little things were quite annoying, he thought as he inhaled deeply. But still, they could not be helped. Normal growing pains of the town, he thought. Eventually, everything would work out his way.
Then his eyes narrowed as he viewed someone in his town that he did not recognize. It was a blond man wearing khaki shorts. He had hairy legs.
Steve Irwin approached stealthily with his usual blundering ease. "Whew!" he exclaimed as he neared the habitat of his next subject. His quarry was perched high above him. It would take all the skill and might of this hunter to reach his prey.
"Do you see it?" he excitedly asked the camera. "It's the rare dandified-son-of-a-bitch species of North America. Absolutely GORGEOUS! I can barely see it from here, but I can tell what a rare specimen this one is. Let's go check it out! Whew!"
Clay Mosby looked at the blond man with suspicion. He was Call's height, and his bare legs were plastered with mud and grime. It was uncommon for a man to run around half naked in his town. Where were the rest of his trousers? He wondered what this was all about. He signaled Zeke and Pratt, who were conveniently waiting down below and within signaling distance, to check the man out.
Steve Irwin continued to chatter animatedly at the camera as he began his shinny up the balcony support. "The dandified-son-of-a-bitch species are usually found in the south. I've never seen one this far north, but I can tell what an absolutely gorgeous creature it is. This one looks like a male from his beautiful coloring and the way he proudly puffs his chest."
Suddenly, the hunter looked around him in alarm before he began his ascent.
"I've got to be careful," he whispered to the camera. "This male might be the head of a pack. This boy's friends are probably not too bright. Best be careful anyhow."
The hunter hid behind the balcony support.
Zeke and Pratt shook their heads up at the town proprietor, indicating their failure in finding the blond stranger.
Damn, Clay Mosby thought to himself. Another of those bounty hunters was in his town. He sighed. Another of Call's little friends, no doubt.
Oh well, he thought. He had more important matters to attend to.
The camera followed the hunter up the balcony support. "He doesn't know I'm coming," Steve whispered, sweat glistening on his brow. "I've got to catch this one right quick."
With a furious burst of speed and stealth, Steve jumped over the balcony railing, catching the animal by surprise. The animal drew back his muscular appendages and began to attack, but the hunter wrestled him to the ground.
"Crickey! This one's got a lot of fight in him," Steve commented as he wrangled the grunting animal. "It's all right boy. I'm not going to hurt you. Easy now. Easy."
The hunter muzzled the animal by gripping its lower jaw.
"This one has a gorgeous set of teeth, but I can't let him bite me. One bite from that toothy grin, and I'd be a goner!"
What the hell, Mosby thought as he caught sight of the blond man before him on the balcony. Mosby reached for his gun, but he realized it was not there. Mosby tried to punch him, but the man wrestled him to the ground. He hoped someone could see his distress.
How the man muzzled him, Mosby did not know. He had an arm like iron.
Unfortunately, Mosby was reminded of a similar experience in his past. He began to blank out ...
"Oh, this is a beautiful one, this one is," Steve commented to the camera. "He has a very hairy mandibular region, and a very expressive lower lip. He doesn't like to be held like this, obviously. Look at those yellow eyes. This old boy's had a lot of trauma, it looks like. Easy boy. Easy. I'm not going to hurt you."
Mosby heard the screams in his head, and then it was as if he was suddenly awakened. That damn blond man had him pinned to the ground like an animal. He was going to pay. By damn. This man was going to pay.
"I absolutely love these creatures," the hunter continued. "Reminds me of me crocs. The yellow eyes, the big teeth, the long snout ... we need to protect these creatures ... they are terribly misunderstood."
Suddenly, the animal tried furiously to free itself out of his grasp.
"Whoa, boy!" Steve told him. "Oh, he's an angry boy, he is. I'm not going to hurt you," he cooed to the animal. "Look at those eyes. He wants to roll me ... take me down and tenderize me a bit. This species can be cold-blooded killers when they want to be. This one has every right to thrash me. I've invaded his territory. Remember, never ever try this at home. I'd better let him go, but right now, he's too dangerous. I'll have Terry come up here and tranquilize him."
The camera then focused on Terry Irwin shinnying up the balcony support with a tranquilizer gun slung over her back.
"He's a feisty one," Steve told his wife. "Be careful," he advised.
Mosby's amber eyes narrowed as he realized a second person was coming to attack him. It was a woman! She had something slung over her back.
He could not believe that this was happening to him. Who would be devious enough to humiliate him in this manner? Only someone sick and twisted ...
Terry stuck the needle in the animal's muscular thigh. It took a few moments for the animal to stop thrashing.
Mosby's mind turned into muddled dreams. His last conscious thought was that someone was going to pay ...
Steve jumped off the animal and ran around victoriously. "Whew hoo!" he shouted. "I've survived an encounter with the gorgeous dandified-son-of-a-bitch species. They're a rare and beautiful animal that needs to be protected and preserved."
Mosby woke up with a splitting headache. He had had the worst dream. It was even worse than that dream he had about the pigs attacking him from all sides ... but that was a different story...
He rubbed his thigh thoughtfully.
Someone was going to pay.
July 2003