Lonesome Dove: The Twelve Songs of Christmas
Debra E. and I LOVE Christmas. We also LOVE Lonesome Dove. Why not combine both worlds? Here are our efforts:
It’s beginning to look a lot like Newt Call
Passed along this way
There’s a lot of blood on the floor
And even more by the door
Where Newton dragged his bounty off for pay
It’s beginning to look a lot like Newt Call
Dirt in every pore
He’s the dirtiest sight you’ll see
He’s way dirtier than Mos-beee
Bathing’s such a chore
He sits on his bench, and he kisses a wench
And he rides the Hellbitch around
He chooses his work and he grunts and he smirks
As he watches over the town
And no one’s ever found a way to keep his big gun down
It’s beginning to look a lot like Newt Call
Doesn’t mess around
He knows how you like your eggs
And he’ll shoot you in the legs
And before you know, you’re gagged and bound
It’s beginning to look a lot like Newt Call
Soon the blood will start
But the thing that will make em dead
Is a belly full of lead
And Call does his part
-instrumental part-
He sits on his bench, and he kisses a wench
And he rides the Hellbitch around
He chooses his work and he grunts and he smirks
As he watches over the town
And no one’s ever found a way to keep his big gun down
AH HAHA HAHA HAHA HAHA HAHA HAHA
It’s beginning to look a lot like Newt Call
Dirt in every pore
He’s the dirtiest sight you’ll see
He’s way dirtier than Mos-beee
Bathing’s such a chore
Yes, it’s Newt Call we adore!!
Luther Root, Luther Root
Luther all the way
Oh, what fun it is to play
Pranks on folks all day
Luther Root, Luther Root
Luther all the way
Oh, what fun it is to drink
Half the night away – hey!
Dashing through the town
Laughing all the way
Jumping down with a bound
Right in front of Clay
Tries to get a drink
But Mosby throws him out
He says, “Go find another bar,
You great big drunken lout.”
Oh! Luther Root, Luther Root,
Luther all the way
Oh, what fun he has sometimes
Irritating Cla-ay
Luther Root, Luther Root
Luther all the way
How we love our Luther Root
We hope he's come to stay! OK! Woo Hoo!
Up on the housetop, reindeer pause
Out jumps good ol' Mosby Claus
Down through the chimney with lots of toys
All for Curtis Wells' Christmas joys
Ho, ho, ho! Who wouldn't go?
Ho, ho, ho! Who wouldn't go?
Up on the housetop, hey, hey, hey
Down through the chimney with Good Saint Clay
First comes the stocking of Unbob Finch
Fill it, Mosby, inch by inch
Give him something for his pigs
And something for his whirligigs
Ho, ho, ho! Who wouldn't go?
Ho, ho, ho! Who wouldn't go?
Up on the housetop, hey, hey, hey
Down through the chimney with Good Saint Clay
Next comes the stocking of Newton Call
Mosby, won't you fill it all?
He needs bullets, if you please
Some warm socks and some BVDs!
Ho, ho, ho, who wouldn't go?
Ho, ho, ho, Who wouldn't go?
Up on the housetop, hey, hey, hey
Down through the chimney with Good Saint Clay
Ho, ho, ho, who wouldn't go?
Ho, ho, ho, who wouldn' go?
Up on the housetop, hey, hey, hey
Down through the chimney with Good Saint Clay – Hey! !
I saw Enona kissing Santa Call
Up in the loft last night
They didn't hear me creep
Up the steps without a creak
They stood there in a lip-lock
So I didn’t make a peep
Oh, I saw Enona kissing Santa Call
He was clenching her so very tight
Oh, what a kick it would have been
If Luther had only seen
Enona kissing Santa Call last night
Oh, what a hoot it would have been
If Luther had only seen
Enona kissing Santa Call last night
Luther drinking at the Number 10
Newt Call shooting off your nose
Mattie stands with her blouse all undone
While Newton irritates the Mose
Everybody knows, a shot glass and a fifth or two
Help to make the season bright
Unbob Finch with his shovel and hoe
Is digging graves with all his might
They know that Mosby owns the town
He’s levied taxes and he’s gonna shake them down
And everyone’s afraid to mess around
Because they know they’ll get hung upside down
And so if you should come to Curtis Wells
Take a tip from Sheriff Peale
Keep your nose clean, do you know what I mean?
Or we’ll treat you like Creel
Austin the weasel
Lost his job one day, they say
Cuz he took the flack
When the McSweens came back
And they beat up Colonel Clay
Oh, Austin, the weasel
Also took a bribe from Ned
And he sold out Call
But he did not fall
Though he got shot full of lead
There must have been some magic in
His sister Hannah's, smile
For when she died
He lost his pride
And he turned out downright vile
Oh, Austin the weasel
Now he drinks and whores all day
Though Josiah prays
With those whores he lays
As he slowly fades away
Oh, Austin the weasel
Is there any hope for you?
Cuz we're sure you've learned
That you will get burned
When with Colonel Clay you screw
chorus:
In the mud, oh, the mud
It's Christmas time in Curtis Wells
It's so deep, makes me weep
Soon it will be Christmas day
Muddy boardwalks, dirty boardwalks
Slick with spittle and grime
In the air there's a feeling of Christmas
Luther laughing, horses passing
Leaving chips on the ground
And on every street corner you'll hear
In the mud, oh, the mud
It's Christmas time in Curtis Wells
It's so deep, makes me weep
Soon it will be Christmas day
People gambling, Josiah rambling
In the former Pig's Eye
As the Mose fills his safe with their money
All the drinking, gets me thinking
It's a strange holiday
And above all this bustle you'll hear
In the mud, oh, the mud
It's Christmas time in Curtis Wells
It's so deep, makes me weep
Soon it will be Christmas day
In the mud, oh the mud
Soon it will be Christmas day!
Shots ring out, are you ducking
And the Hellbitch is bucking
It’s a beautiful sight
Call’s happy tonight
Walking in a muddy wonderland
Down the lane, strolls Josiah
As he sings “The Messiah”
“Hallelujah to you”
And an “Amen” or two
Walking in a muddy wonderland
In the meadow Clay will build a railroad
And make sure the tracks go straight through town
He’ll make lots of bucks with his new railroad
But we don’t think that taxes will go down
Later on, Clay and Florie
Write their own true love story
She’ll frolic and play
With that devil, Clay
Walking in a muddy wonderland
Walking in a muddy wonder-la-and!
All I want for Christmas is my little Call
My little Call
We would have a ball!
I'd be kind to Newton even though he's small
And I'd have a very merry Christmas
All I want for Christmas is Call's little bench
His little bench
And to be his wench!
All I want for Christmas is Call's little bench
And I'd have a very merry Christmas
All I want for Christmas is Call's great big gun
His great big gun
Wouldn't it be fun?
All I want for Christmas is Call's great big gun
And I'd have a VERY merry Christmas!
You better watch out
You better not cry
You better not pout
I’m telling you why
Momma & Daddy are coming to town
Oh, you better pay up
You’ve met your match
Momma’s got an itch
She just neeeeeds to scratch
Momma & Daddy are coming to town
They’ve got a Gatling gun
They’re gonna make you pay
You better cough it up
Or they’ll blow you away.
Oh, they’re making a threat
That you can’t erase
You’re gonna die
With a smile on your face
Momma & Daddy are coming to town
The folks in Curtis Wells town
Can see that she’s a witch
And Call will have to tell them
“You better shoot the bitch”
Oh!
Cutie Pie number one!
Cutie Pie number two!
Better watch out
Now she’s pointing to you
Momma & Daddy are coming to town!!
Who’s got a beard that’s soft and brown?
Mosby’s got a beard that’s soft and brown
Who thinks he owns the whole damn town?
Mosby thinks he owns the whole damn town
Soft and brown, whole damn town
Must be Mosby, must be Mosby,
Must be Mosby, Mosby Claus
Who wears boots and a leather duster?
Mosby wears boots and a leather duster
Whose teeth shine with a pearly luster?
Mosby’s teeth shine with a pearly luster
Leather duster, pearly luster
Soft and brown, whole damn town
Must be Mosby, must be Mosby
Must be Mosby, Mosby Claus
Who likes to lean in an insolent pose?
Mosby likes to lean in an insolent pose
Who really likes his ho ho ho’s?
Mosby really likes his ho ho ho’s
Insolent pose, ho ho ho’s
Leather duster, pearly luster
Soft and brown, whole damn town
Must be Mosby, must be Mosby
Must be Mosby, Moby Claus
Who very soon will come our way?
Mosby very soon will come our way
Who comes to town in a dandified sleigh?
Mosby comes to town in a dandified sleigh
Come our way, dandified sleigh
Insolent pose, ho ho ho’s
Leather duster, pearly luster
Soft and brown, whole damn town
Must be Mosby, must be Mosby
Must be Mosby, Mosby Claus
Must be Mosby, must be Mosby
Must be Mosby, Mos-beeee Claus!!
On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Mattie in her chemise
On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Two sweet Unbobs
And Mattie in her chemise
On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Three greedy Ikes
Two sweet Unbobs
And Mattie in her chemise
On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Four endowed Amandas
Three greedy Ikes
Two sweet Unbobs
And Mattie in her chemise
On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Five surly Calls!
Four endowed Amandas
Three greedy Ikes
Two sweet Unbobs
And Mattie in her chemise
On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Six hapless Zekes
Five surly Calls!
Four endowed Amandas
Three greedy Ikes
Two sweet Unbobs
And Mattie in her chemise
On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Seven fearless Harrys
Six hapless Zekes
Five surly Calls!
Four endowed Amandas
Three greedy Ikes
Two sweet Unbobs
And Mattie in her chemise
On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Eight-fingered Frank
Seven fearless Harrys
Six hapless Zekes
Five surly Calls!
Four endowed Amandas
Three greedy Ikes
Two sweet Unbobs
And Mattie in her chemise
On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Nine weasely Austins
Eight-fingered Frank
Seven fearless Harrys
Six hapless Zekes
Five surly Calls!
Four endowed Amandas
Three greedy Ikes
Two sweet Unbobs
And Mattie in her chemise
On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Ten crazy Josiahs
Nine weasely Austins
Eight-fingered Frank
Seven fearless Harrys
Six hapless Zekes
Five surly Calls!
Four endowed Amandas
Three greedy Ikes
Two sweet Unbobs
And Mattie in her chemise
On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Eleven laughing Luthers
Ten crazy Josiahs
Nine weasely Austins
Eight-fingered Frank
Seven fearless Harrys
Six hapless Zekes
Five surly Calls!
Four endowed Amandas
Three greedy Ikes
Two sweet Unbobs
And Mattie in her chemise
On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Twelve regal Mosbys
Eleven laughing Luthers
Ten crazy Josiahs
Nine weasely Austins
Eight-fingered Frank
Seven fearless Harrys
Six hapless Zekes
Five surly Calls!
Four endowed Amandas
Three greedy Ikes
Two sweet Unbobs
And Mattie in her chemise
Thank you, thank you very much! You’ve been a wonderful audience.
Jingle Bells is sequenced by Bo_23407. Twelve Days of Christmas is sequenced by Kevin Tracy. I am unaware who sequenced the other midis. Contact me for screen credit.
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